This week, a quiet sentence from my daughter’s ADHD coach blew up years of leadership habits:
“Never ask people WHY they did what they did.”
As a CEO and a coach, my default when something goes sideways has always been:
“Why did you do that?”
“What were you thinking?”
Those questions felt helpful. Curious, even. But they weren’t.
The Neuroscience Behind “Why”
When you ask someone why, you activate their defensive brain—the limbic system goes on alert. According to Dr. Dan Siegel (UCLA School of Medicine), this bypasses the prefrontal cortex and can trigger a fight, flight, or freeze response—especially in high-stress moments (Siegel, The Whole-Brain Child, 2011).
In other words, “Why?” puts people on trial.
It doesn’t lead to insight. It leads to shame spirals and self-protection. This is especially true in workplace cultures where perfectionism or “hustle” is worn as armor.
Harvard’s Center for the Developing Child adds: when people feel judged, they stop learning and start defending.
According to Google’s Project Aristotle, the #1 predictor of high-performing teams is psychological safety—not brilliance, experience, or hustle. And psychological safety starts with how we ask questions.
Shame Blocks Growth
Dr. Brené Brown's research is crystal clear:
“Shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can change.”
So when you ask why in the wrong context, you aren’t building clarity. You’re building walls.
And here’s the trap:
When people are defending their past, they cannot co-create a future.
What to Say Instead
If you lead a team—or a family—here’s the shift:
🔁 Instead of:
“Why did you do that?”
✅ Try:
“What was your thought process?”
“What was the goal behind that decision?”
“What would you do differently next time?”
These questions move people from the threat brain to the executive brain—from shame to solution.
As therapist and trauma expert Dr. Janina Fisher puts it, “Why” often asks the person to rationalize an emotional or survival-based decision, which they often can’t do until they feel safe (Fisher, Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors, 2017).
Application: At Work and at Home
I coach brilliant, driven founders who are totally unaware of how they shut down their teams.
Their intent is growth.
But their delivery often triggers fear.
Just like parenting, leadership isn’t about controlling behavior—it’s about building safety so people can access their best thinking.
If your team feels stuck…
If your kid feels withdrawn…
If you feel caught in the same loops…
Check your language.
Ask yourself:
- Am I interrogating or inviting?
- Am I digging into the past or co-building the future?
Here’s the Shift
One question triggers the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee—that inner critic fueled by fear.
The other activates the Problem-Solving Brain—the part that builds, learns, and iterates.
If you want momentum, don’t dig into the why of the breakdown.
Get curious about the what behind it—and how to move forward.
